2 Inches (How the Pacers dumped Roy Hibbert to the 1st sucka lookin' to give away $15M)

"Are you freakin' kiddin' me bruh? Skittles and Lemonheads?"

All of the fellas and I were poppin’ firecrackers in front of the chicken and waffles joint when these three cats started arguin’ about boyz bein’ desperate. Henry David Thoreau threw a couple of smoke bombs into the street with, “It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.” Horatio Nelson, the 19^th century British flag officer in the Royal Navy, pulled some Jumpin’ Jacks out of his pocket when he said, “Desperate affairs require desperate measures.” Then Jim Carrey hit a boy up with a truck full of Roman Candles in his Fireman Bill voice and said, “I don’t think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain’t desperate at some point, you ain’t interesting.

Well playas…the Los Angeles Lakers have OFFICIALLY hit rock bottom because they have become the MOST interestin’ team in the league. Why? Because they’ve become the MOST desperate! On Saturday as boyz around the country were poppin’ fireworks for kicks and giggles the freakin’ Lakers were walkin’ around the neighborhood knockin’ on boyz doors like a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses lookin’ for anything that was 7 feet tall. When they showed up in Indiana, Larry Bird answered the door with a dun that was 7’2” 290 lbs. that was eatin’ him out of house and home. The Pacers didn’t hesitate to throw him out on the porch like ole Eddie Cain.

Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1^st! The Lakers are simply a shell of themselves at this point because they’ve allowed the Black Mamba to completely destroy the joint with his arrogance and ego. And I'm not lettin' Dr. Buss' kids off of the hook because they're fans instead of executives. But NOBODY wants to go to LA and play because Kobe still thinks that he’s the No.1 option. And why is that playa? Because the duns that are supposed to be runnin' the team are fans and told him that he was by payin' him a king's ransom at the end of his career. 

Look here playa, free agency of 2014 came and went without a single boy signin’ up for this foolishness. So they had to play with the Cosby Kids and Arnold and Willis Drummond. Then 2015 rolled around and duns like LaMarcus Aldridge and DeAndre Jordan told them to kick rocks. And all DeAndre had to do was move his locker down the freakin’ hall. He didn’t have to buy another crib or move his kids or anything. All he had to do was move his stuff down the hall and a flunky was gonna do that and he still said no.

You know that it’s bad when second-tier cats like Greg Monroe tells a boy that I’d rather play in cold Milwaukee than LA. Even Robin Lopez told the Lakers to get off of his porch before he sics his dog on them.

So on Saturday, the second most storied franchise in all of the NBA was knockin’ on boyz doors tryin’ to save face. “Excuse me sir, do you have a 7 footer that I can pay you $15.5 million to take off of your hands?” Larry Bird looked around for the hidden camera. Then he looked at the dun standin’ on his porch and said, “Are you kiddin’ me?” And that’s the edited version. Then he was like, “Hell yeah, I gotta 7 footer that you can have for $15.5 million! As a matter of fact, I can throw in 2 more inches for free. We were just on our way to Goodwill with this dun. Hell yeah, I got one and he’s ready to go right now.”

They had Roy strapped in his car seat with his coat and hat on so fast that it made the Lakers nervous at first. “Hold on a second dawg, we don’t have to take him to LA today. We’ve got some time! We’ve got at least until July 9^th it’s no rush bruh!” The Pacers were like, “Naw bruh, it’s cool, we don’t need him this week for anything! As a matter of fact, he’s got a huge bag of Skittles and Lemonheads in my car. Let me get those for you and you can finalize everything on the 9^th. Just get this dun out of my car right now.

Can you imagine the conversation that took place when they called Kobe to tell him that they found a center? It was like some old Three Stooges type joints. “Hello Kobe! Yes! Is this Kobe! Yes! Yes! Is this the Black Mamba? Yes! Yes! Yes! Well look here dawg, we got you a center and not only is he 7 feet tall but they threw in 2 more inches for free! What!!!? Y’all went out and got Roy Hibbert? The same cat that Jay Graves calls “Skittles and Lemonheads? The same dun that will literally play an entire game and record 0 points and 0 rebounds on a boy? That dun? Yes! Yes!! Yes!!! Aren’t you excited? Man if you don’t get off of my phone with that foolishness. Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine!”

Now as much as Kobe talks crazy to his teammates why on earth would you go get a boy that is literally afraid of his own shadow and bring him in? I’ve been coverin’ the Pacers for the more than 5 years and I’m 5’7” and Roy won’t look ME in the eye. He’s all up in the ceilin’ or lookin’ down on the floor every time you interview him. He's gonna have a panic attack dealin' with Kobe everyday bruh!

So now you’re goin’ to put him in the same car with the "Grumpy Old Man” knowin’ he’s got the tendency to eat Skittles and Lemonheads in the Bentley and spill Sprite all over the back seat? That’s gonna be the funniest road trip ever and it’s gonna play out on TV every day. Why? Because it’s the Lakers! Stop me when I start lyin’!

Playas Thesaurus:
1) Eddie Cain: noun – the cat that the fictional singin’ group the Five Heartbeats got rid of in the movie entitled the “Five Heartbeats.”
2) Dun: noun – the person in question, dude, guy, etc. It’s whoever I’m talkin’ about at any time and its non-gender specific bruh. 3) Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine: You gotta be a Three Stooges fan to get it bruh!
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