Panic Lies (Why USC has gone stone crazy right before the first game)

"These duns have lost their freakin' minds around here bruh!"

While I was at the car wash deep in the hood where a boy can get a real hand wash. These cats were standin’ out front arguin’ about boyz lyin’. John Ruskin, the 19^th century English art critic, said, “The essence of lying is in deception, not in words.” Samuel Butler, the Victorian-era English author, jumped out of the whip sittin’ on 24’s and said, “The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.” Then Josh Billings, the 19^th century American humorist, sprayed the smell good when he said, “There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can’t tell the truth without lying.”

Either somethin’ is in the water or the duns at USC have lost their freakin’ minds bruh. Boyz are runnin’ around that joint lyin’ for the sake of lyin’ and the sad part is, their tellin’ what we called growin’ up, “panic lies.”

First, you had ole dull Josh Shaw tellin’ boyz that he suffered two high ankle sprains from jumpin’ off of a second floor balcony to save his 7 year old nephew from drownin’. And then runnin’ back Anthony Brown claims to have quit the team because head coach Steve Sarkisian (Sark) was a racist. The next thing I’m gonna hear is that Mickey Mouse robbed a South Central LA liquor store on Crenshaw with a USC jersey on holdin’ Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy with O.J.’s gloves on drivin’ the Bronco with Lane Kiffin stuffed in the trunk.

In my old school Hank Stram voice, “What the hell is goin’ on out here?”

Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1^st! Let’s deal with this dun Josh Shaw first. When the story surfaced about him gettin’ two high ankle sprains from jumpin’ off of a balcony to save his nephew I said that it was cow manure out of the gate. And that’s the edited version! Why? Because like I keep tellin’ you duns, the truth is always in the details playboy. He didn't have to come out and admit that he was lyin'! All of the boyz in the barber shop new he was lyin' when he first opened his mouth. If a boy jumps off of a balcony to save a cat from drownin’ why wouldn’t he just jump into the big “A” pool that the dun is drownin’ in? Why on earth would you jump onto the concrete?

Secondly, when Sark came out earlier in the week and said that they were vettin’ ole boy’s story because they’ve gotten phones calls that contradict Shaw’s story. At that moment you already knew that a chick was involved in this foolishness. Why? Because the only person that could have called to contradict his story is the chick.

Dudes don’t call to tell a boy that he’s lyin’! Naw bruh…the chick that he was into it with when he jumped off of the freakin’ balcony wanted revenge and tellin’ on his butt was the easiest way to do it. Then Shaw’s sister made things even worse on Monday on Good Morning America when they played an audio of her sayin’ that she wasn’t there but “if” he did save my child then I’m grateful etc. Now I’m paraphrasin’ but she did in fact use the word “if.” Now either the dun saved him or not baby girl? It’s your freakin’ kid!  So either he told you that his uncle pulled him out the water or not. There is no “if.” So stop lyin’! Again’ that’s called a panic lie. I gotta say somethin’ so let me just say it type joint.

The LAPD, according to the New York Times, responded to a call of a woman screamin’ at an apartment complex where Shaw’s girlfriend lives. When they finally arrived to the joint it was empty. Witnesses claim that a cat was in their words “shimmying” across the third floor balconies. How ironic is it that we get Spiderman climbin’ across the balconies the same night this dun sprains his ankles bein’ a hero.

So like a I said, a chick is always involved in foolishness like this. Let me explain somethin’ to all my young thunder cats out there. That lil’ pink rabbit has been sinkin’ ships and destroyin’ kingdoms since the beginnin’ of time. It's like kryptonite and if you aren’t careful around it it’ll destroy you. I’m just sayin’! The ole timers at the barber shop have always said, "Think with the right head playboy."

So why would a boy need a lawyer if all he did was sprain his ankles after fallin’? In my Huggy Lowdown voice, “Waaaait for it!”

Now let’s talk about the ignorance of this Anthony Brown situation. This cat claims that he quit the team because Sark was a racist. Then this cat takes to Instagram and Facebook and says that the coach treated him like a slave in his office and that he couldn’t play for him. However, when the heat got thick with boyz really wantin’ to know what happened he deletes the posts.

If you’re gonna jump out of the birthday cake and put your coach on blast then tell us what he said to you playa. Now either he treated you that way or not? Don’t get upset set and try to ruin a man’s career because you’re so deep in the freakin’ bench that they need a GPS and a flashlight to find you. C’mon bruh that’s weak. You didn’t think that we could pull the depth chart and see that you were the 6^th team runnin’ back because you’ve been moved over from corner? And that was your idea by the way. I see that you only played in two ball games last year after sufferin’ ankle injuries against Hawaii and Notre Dame.

So if you’re frustrated that the USC experience didn’t go as planned I get it. But don’t cry wolf on a boy because you gotta have a reason to tell Big Momma why you just up and quit. Just quit and deal with her throwin’ that shoe because she’s gonna throw it playboy. Do you understand what Big Momma has gone through just to get your butt into school? Insert “panic lie” here.

Let’s say for the sake of argument that Sark was a racist and treated you bad bruh. Which I doubt very seriously that he is or did any of the foolishness that you claim that he did. But I’ll indulge your ignorance for a hot minute. Do you know how many folks have gone to work every day in this country and have had to work for racist bosses or supervisors etc. that can’t just walk off of the job? The real world is full of all kinds of people pimpin’ includin’ racists. So guess what playa? You’re gonna have to deal with some things that make you uncomfortable in this world if you’re goin’ to be successful. So if you’re willin’ to quit every time some cat comes at you sideways then you may as well give up on life right now. And if treatin' you like a slave is tellin' you to go out and do your freakin' job? Then it is what it is playa.  

Now let me put it where the goats can get it for you bruh. The racial tensions in this country are at a fever pitch right now on the heels of the Michael Brown situation. We don’t need some clown hollerin’ racism when he’s just not good enough to play. Because by doin’ that it waters down the real instances of racism that need to be addressed. I know you didn't want to hear that but you can stop me when I start lyin’!

Holla At Ya Boy!
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