Side Pieces (Why Tiger needs to convince himself that he's married & become a playa again)

"I wonder what the broads at Denny's are lookin' like these days?"

Mark Twain once said, “To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.” Norman Vincent Peale, the famous author, gave it to us like this, “Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” Then the original playa Broadway Joe Namath broke it down by sayin’, “When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun, you can do amazing things.”

Well playboy…it looks like ole Tiger Woods just isn’t havin’ fun anymore because he doesn’t have a stitch of confidence. Ole boy showed up at The Waste Management Phoenix Open pulled a Willie Beamen on a boy and shot an 82, his worst score as a professional. That dun was in last freakin’ place when his round ended bruh!

Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1^st! Tiger hasn’t been worth two dead flies smashed on the golf course since ole girl ran him out of the crib with a golf club and blasted his back window out. Once he got caught tryin’ to be a playa-playa all of his confidence has gone on strike.

When he would show up to a joint he was the freakin’ man bruh! His swagger was on 10! Why? Because in his mind he had side pieces and some cats get off on that. It’s like bein’ a super hero in his own mind. Once that dun’s wife left him and the side pieces suddenly became main pieces the pieces just didn’t feel right and therefore the golf game suffers because of lack of confidence.

So on some real talk, Tiger just needs convince himself that he’s still married and hang out with a bunch of side pieces and his game will immediately improve. He keeps tryin’ to change his swing and work on this and that. Bruh! The swing was fine when he was killin’ boyz out here years. The swing was fine when he was winnin’ 79 PGA Tours and 40 European Tours etc. Now all of a sudden this dun can’t play through pain either. He’s forever grabbin’ somethin’ like Khia! “My neck, My Back, My %$#@&!!, and my Crack!”

He wasn’t always complainin’ when he was showin’ up and peelin’ boyz heads at Augusta and grabbin’ Green Jackets at the Masters four times. Naw playa, you didn’t hear any excuses when he was winnin’ four PGA Championships or when he popped three U.S. Opens and The Open Championships. Ole boy was gettin’ it in not only on the course but off of it.

He was like Sampson! Except that he got his strength from the foolishness of hangin’ out with bottom feeder side piece chicks instead of his hair. Listen here Eldrick , you got two options! Tell yourself that you’re married to Lindsey Vonn and then start hangin’ out with broads waitin’ tables at low end restaurants and the golf game will improve significantly.

Then you don’t have to show up at your press conference after makin’ a complete fool of yourself in public and try to be funny sayin’, “I’m only here so I don’t get fined!” Well playa they should have fined you for stinkin’ up the joint. Stop me when I start lyin’!

Playas Thesaurus: 1) Ole Boy: noun - the person that I’m talkin’ about.
2) Dun: noun – the person in question, dude, guy, etc.
3) Ole Girl: noun – in this example it’s his wife at the time.
4) Side piece: noun or verb dependin’ upon how you look at it – the chick on the side.
5) Khia: noun – A terrible rapper that had one hit in 2002 that was nasty. Trust me bruh it was terrible.
6) Eldrick: noun – Tiger Woods’ real name. His full name is Eldrick Tont Woods.
  Holla At Ya Boy!
JayGravesReport
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The caption under the photo isn’t real but its REAL talk!
　

Meddling (Tiger penalized but not disqualified)

"I'm Tiger "Freaking" Woods pimpin'!"

Thomas Paine once said, “Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it.” Confucius says, “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.” My homie the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. broke it down like this, “Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” Big Momma kept it where boyz could really feel it by saying, “Boy you know that don’t make no sense what you just did!”

What was ignorant and made absolutely no sense was boyz messing with Tiger at the Masters on Saturday. I know absolutely nothing about golf. So in my Bernie Mac voice, “Notin, Notin’” but what I do know is that Tiger is the money maker for the game and there are a lot of playa hatin’ cats out there that don’t wanna see him do well.

On Friday on the 15^th hole he took what was deemed to be an improper drop during the second round when his joint hit the pin and bounced into the water. Now the officials were cool with the drop and that’s why ole boy signed his score card and kept it moving.

Then some dun watching it on television called in and reported the foul! The officials then went back and pulled the tape and penalized him 2 strokes. At first they were considering disqualifying him but Uncle Seymour in the back room reminded them that the only reason folks are even watching this joint is because of Tiger. He’s the money maker for golf so we gotta keep this dude of the course or we’ll lose our shirts and these dull green jackets.

Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1^st! What type of ignorance allows a television viewer to make a call into a major sporting event and tell a boy that they missed a call? Not just any event but the freaking Masters bruh! That’s like the Super Bowl of the sport.

Can you imagine a fan having the ability to call into the Super Bowl and telling the NFL that Ray Lewis just horse collared boy and they go back and access the penalty? It’s like some dun calling balls and strikes from the crib with his feet kicked up with bases loaded in Game 7 of the World Series?  So you mean to tell me that I can call into the NBA home office during the Finals to tell a boy that LeBron traveled before he hit the go ahead bucket to win the NBA title and they’ll take that joint off of the board? Wheredeydodatat?

They don’t even let the fans do that in little league daddy ball. Well, yeah they do. My bad, I was on a roll and forgot that whoever’s dad is coaching is gonna get all of the calls and the last say. So that was a bad example but this is big time professional sports. How ignorant is that?

First of all, who has the phone number to the Masters? There is no freaking number playa! I'm straight from the G and I can spot a hustle a mile away. That was the lie that ole Jethoe, who is a CARD CARRYING MEMBER, told the media because he and his boyz are tired to seeing Tiger taking over the joint. He’s getting back into his groove again and that rubs a lot of good ole boyz the wrong way.  

However, Uncle Seymour understands that it’s 2013 and Tiger is worth more bread in the joint than out. So Jethroe and his patnas were overruled and sent to the crib for meddling but not before taking a beat down in the parking lot by some of Seymour's good friends for messing with his money. Stop me when I start lyin’ playboy!

Holla At Ya Boy!
Jay Graves
Get @ me on Twitter: @jaygravesreport
The quote under the caption isn’t real.  

Hood Principles!

"Man, I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out!"

Growing up in the hood there would always be one kid that was very timid that couldn't defend himself so the other kids would constantly torment him. He, in my opinion, had no business growing up in that environment but you can't pick where you grow up, right? However, those of us that respected him would, at the very least, keep the others at bay. We simply looked out for him because otherwise he'd lose a pair of shoes a week.

We'll...I feel the same way about Tiger Woods. He's the timid kid out there swimming with the sharks and I need to simply look out for him. Guys are taking shots at him and he doesn't know how to back them off by sending a warning shot in the air. His former caddy Steve Williams went at him for letting him go and now Charles Barkley says that he's irked by him because he hasn't talked to him in two years.

First of all, Steve Williams pulled a punk move when he made the statement that he feels like he’s wasted two years of his life because he was recently fired by the golf legend. Are you kidding me? He was the best golfer in the world bruh! That's like working for Microsoft as a computer programmer. It doesn't get any better than that. If nothing else he can become a consultant and make a fortune. Tiger Woods’ caddy? People will pay top dollar for his advice just because he was affiliated with Tiger.

Then Charles Barkley piles on, "It's been very frustrating to watch everything that has transpired," Barkley said Wednesday on ESPN New York 1050's The Mike Lupica Show, "and getting rid of Steve Williams was probably the last straw for me."

First of all Charles, he doesn't have to consult with you before he gets rid of his caddy. Secondly, you've been in the game long enough to know that he's trying to rebuild his image. So that's why he hasn't been hanging with you and MJ. Let's keep it real bruh, you guys are the biggest players in the game. Ya'll keep women on standby like Delta. He surely can't be seen with you guys now.

Now I will say this, Tiger is wrong for at least not calling them and being straight up about it. You can't just leave your boys hangin'. I mean, after all they were the ones that brought you into the circle of friends. He was the timid nerd that didn't even know how to holler at women until he hooked up with them, if we’re being honest here.

I'm also really tired of Barkley and Williams saying that they knew nothing about the women Tiger had on the side. Again, where is Chris Carter, Tom Jackson and Mike Ditka when you need them? C'mon Man!
That's your boy and you don't know that he's got extra women? Get off of it bruh!

During the radio interview he goes on to say, "You think you're friends with a guy. You talk to him once a week for 15 years. You're like, this dude is my friend, we do things, we have fun together," Barkley said. "I haven't talked to him in two years and I'm wondering what the hell is going on."

Hey Chuck, that was real emotional man but real cats don't care that much. If you dissed your boys the way Tiger has, they wouldn’t trip. They would just know what box to put you in. Just don't try to holler back because that was a punk move to never call them and simply say, "hey man I've got to chill for a minute so that I can get some of this corporate money back. I'll get at you when it passes over bruh. You understand!"

If he'd simply handled it that way everything would’ve been cool and he wouldn't have guys going at him the way they have been! The most important lesson taught in the hood is never turn your back on those that looked out at the beginning because you can never come back. Tiger doesn't realize that "hood" simply means those that care about you regardless of who you are, but I guess you’ve got to grow up in the hood to understand that.

Holla At Ya Boy!
Jay Graves
Twitter: @jaygravesreport