CRYSTAL (How boyz ridin' dirty want Belichick in the ride but not TomBrady)

"Can I please go now officer?"

Johnny Depp, Edward Scissorhands himself, once said, “With any part you play, there is a certain amount of yourself in it. There has to be, otherwise it’s just not acting. It’s lying.” Samuel Butler, the Victorian-era English author, gave it to us like this, “The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.” Then Tim Allen, the actor/comedian, got smooth on a boy and said, “Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.”

Well playboy…ole dull Bill Belichick and Tom Brady must subscribe to that same thinkin’ because both of those duns got up in front of the media and lied to boyz without blinkin’! The only problem was, Tom wasn’t as smooth as Bill.

Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1^st! Bill got up Thursday mornin’ and handled the media like a G! He was on some ole school Eddie Murphy "Raw" up in that piece, "It wasn't me!"By the time he finished with these boyz he had cats questionin’ whether they had even played a game on Sunday let alone tampered with some balls.

He’s the type of cat you want in the ride with you when you get pulled over dirty. By the time he finishes with the police they’ll be givin’ you an escort home. Ole boy was smooth pushin’ all of the focus off of him and right over to Tom Brady. The crazy thing was only the real G’s out here saw him doin’ it. By the time he finished boyz were like, “Did he just put everything in Brady’s lap like a stripper at Magic City bruh? Yep!” SMOOTH!

So now everybody waits on Tom to show up and he’s the cat that you don’t want in the ride if you’re dirty. As soon as he hit the podium he was lookin’ like he’d just been caught in Big Momma’s kitchen tryin’ to steal some of her pound cake before dinner. He had that deer in the head lights look, confused, nervous. Dull! Everybody in the ride is tellin’ him to relax and breathe and that fool starts talkin’!

Let me put it in street terms for you playa. “Hey Tom what’s up with these balls bruh?” All of a sudden this fool breaks out with, "I, I, I" Media: Spit it out bruh!" Tom: "I have no idea what happened to the balls mayne!I had 24 balls and they were perfect!’ Media: “Hold up dawg, we didn’t ask you about 24 balls we want know about the 12 balls and more specifically the 11that came up short! Tom: “Uhhhh, I don’t want anybody touchin’ the balls, rubbin’ the balls. To me those balls were perfect!” Media: “Well playboy they weren’t perfect when the feds kicked in the front door! Wassup wit dat!”

Then all of a sudden ole boy straight panics right in the middle of the freakin’ interview. He starts ramblin’ on about knowin’ who your friends are in times like these. He goes in about how he’s gonna be alright and that this wasn’t Isis etc. When a boy starts ramblin’ he’s seein’ his life flash before his eyes. If someone would have screamed in that room he would have pulled a Willie Beamen on these boyz and threw up all over the front row of media.

Like I said in my joint entitled “Mad Dog 20/20 vs. Merlot” yesterday Tom Brady was directly responsible for those balls bein’ deflated. He handles the football on every single play playa and if it were deflated he would know before anybody. So for a boy to get up and act like he knows nothin’ was even worse.

He could have said, “Hey look here dawg! I normally like my balls at the lowest end of the required standard at 12.5 lbs. per square inch and maybe we were just below that. I take the blame for that and I’m sorry. It was never my intent to cheat these boyz.”

If he would have just said that it would have been over. They would have handed him his license and registration and told him to have a nice day. Instead that dun started squirmin’ in the seat and lyin’ to a boy and now they’ve got him strapped belly down on the hood of the car waitin’ on the dogs to show up. Now they're about to go all through the ride, take the doors off, blast the bumpers, pull the seats out, etc.

Now they’ll let these cats play in the Super Bowl because it’s too much bread on the table to tamper with it now. Uncle Sal and Bruno was sittin’ in Roger Goodell’s office yesterday when he showed up to work. As soon as he turned the lights on they had the horse head in the toilet waitin’ for him. They were like, “Listen Rog, Jimmy the Bull in Kansas City and Shorty the Pimp in Las Vegas wants you to know that we’re behind you 100 percent. However, don’t touch this Super Bowl! We don’t care what you do afterwards. Are we clear on that?” CRYSTAL!!! Stop me when I start lyin’!

Playas Thesaurus:
1) Dun: the person in question, dude, guy, cat etc.
2) Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1^st! : Let me break it down for you bruh.
3) G: A gangsta, like a soldier, no fear
4) Willie Beamen: Character in the movie “Any Given Sunday” played by Jamie Foxx that threw up on the field when he started at quarterback for the first time.5) Mayne: The Memphis way of sayin' man.  
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The caption under the photo isn’t real but its REAL talk! 
All quotes on paraphrases playa!