Wet Firecrackers (Why the Big Ten is gonna get left on Big Momma's porch come playoff time)

"It's so bad that Maryland and Rutgers didn't want to take the picture!" 

Soren Kierkegaard, the 19^th century Danish philosopher and poet, once said, “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” Edgar Allen Poe jumped up, put his shoes on and said, “Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.” Then William James, the 19^th century American philosopher and psychologist, took the screws out and left boyz hangin’ with, “Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity, successful men act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct yourself accordingly, and you will be amazed at the positive results.”

Well playboy…the Big Ten can act, look, feel successful and conduct themselves accordingly all they want but the reality is, they suck! At the end of the season, livin’ here in Big Ten country, all I’m gonna hear is how they got screwed out of the playoffs because their conference champion got left sittin’ in a car seat in front of Big Momma’s house and the SEC or somebody has two teams in the joint.

Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1^st! As soon as boyz start with that foolishness I’m gonna point to the calendar and tell them to look at September 6, 2014, click their heels together and say, “There’s no place like home” and then go to bed without dinner before I start fightin’ everybody. More than half of the freakin’ conference was on NATIONAL TV and got embarrassed.

Purdue started the joint off with the freakin’ Chippewas of Central Michigan at Ross-Aid, the crib, the flat, the spot and got the brakes beat off of them 38-17. These duns got carjacked in front of Big Mommas house by literally a clown in a thong with a water gun and firecrackers.

Then Nebraska barely got out of the joint alive against McNeese State 31-24. Most cats in America don’t even know where McNeese State is bruh! Unless you’re from Louisiana you didn’t even know that the joint existed and big bad Nebraska is out there tusslin’ with a boy in pimp socks and street shoes.

Northwestern is the same set of duns that are so smart that they’ve figured out how to unionize but can’t figure out how to beat the freakin’ Huskies of Northern Illinois. These cats lost at the crib 23-15 to some dudes that have to give you directions to their school in the name of their school but they've got time to form a union. I wanna kick everybody affiliated with Northwestern in their butts this mornin’! And that’s the edited version.

Let’s roll up to South Bend where Michigan shows up to get it in for the last scheduled time with Notre Dame in the hottest uniforms in the land only to get strip searched at the door. The Fightin’ Irish did full body cavity searches on Michigan before they even realized what was goin’ on. They got blasted 31-0 and the leprechaun was still 122 lbs. overweight.

All you hear from duns in Columbus is about how ole Urban’s got these boyz ready to go to work even with Braxton Miller bein’ out all year. They wrestled in the parkin’ lot for two and half quarters against ole dull Navy last week but got out alive. What they didn’t realize is that Navy doesn’t even have real football player’s bruh. They’ve got a bunch of duns actin’ like football players until they graduate and become officers. Much respect for them but it is what it is.

So now they show up in the Horse Shoe to play Frank Beamer and Co. and get worked like a bad muffler in a street race. How do you call yourself an elite program and let a boy come to your crib, kiss your girl, pull the table cloth off of the dinin’ room table, fart in the kitchen and leave with your draws on? Va. Tech beat Ohio State into a nose bleed 35-21 and bounced.

Finally, all these cats runnin’ around here in green and white talkin’ $100 worth of noise went out to Eugene and got pistol whipped by Donald freakin’ Duck! That dun did so many push-ups yesterday that he’s locked up at the elbows this mornin’. Michigan State punched with them for two quarters and then they started fallin’ for the banana in the tailpipe in the second half. Now on some real talk, they didn’t have a crackheads chance in the suburbs of winnin’ out there, let’s be serious. But at least keep a boy from completely havin’ to use your dental records to identify you.

I mean it was embarrassin’ to see the entire conference look like they had been hangin’ out with Wes Welker durin’ Kentucky Derby weekend and the Molly joints were still in their system. Even the other teams that won looked like Ned the Whinno in the projects bruh. Iowa was in a dog fight with Ball State and only won by 3. Rutgers only beat ole dull Howard by 13. Penn State only managed 21 points against the Zips from Akron. Any time a boy rolls into your crib with a nickname the “Zips” you gotta beat him down on GP. Who are they scarin’ with that name?

I won’t even mention the rest of these clowns in the Big Ten. All I’m sayin’ is that when boyz start rankin’ cats for the playoffs the Big Ten better not blink with an attitude or else I’m gonna let Big Momma loose on them! Stop me when I start lyin’!

Holla At Ya Boy!
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