"The Water Gun Speech"

"What's that? I wear a 6X & make sure I've got under arm room cuz I sweat a lot!

On December 8, 1941 President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave the famous “Infamy Speech” to a Joint Session of Congress one day after the Empire of Japan’s attack on the Pearl Harbor Naval Base in Hawaii.  They call it the Infamy Speech because the first line in the speech was, “A date that will live in Infamy.” On that day 2,403 people were killed, 188 planes were destroyed and 8 battleships were damaged.

Well… in the NFL, Monday December 31, 2012 will be known as Black Monday because 7 head coaches were fired along with 6 GM’s including my cousin Rod Graves with the Cardinals. I’m praying for you big homie and we're proud of all the work you've done! Keep hustlin' bruh!

So today I’ll be giving what will forever be known as "The Water Gun Speech.” When the news broke that Lovie Smith (Bears), Andy Reid (Philly), Ken Whisenhunt (Arizona), Norv Turner (Chargers), Chan Gailey (Bills), Pat Shurmur (Cleveland) and Romeo Crennel (Kansas City) were fired I was blown away. I started thinking, man these boyz are unemployed! What are they going to do? This was a straight up blood bath, a career massacre bruh!

Then reality set in. This is the NFL and they weren’t shooting with real bullets homeboy. They were in the back yard with water pistols bruh! The coaching fraternity is so small that all they’re going to do is swap shirts! These duns aren’t like the rest of us in the real world if/when we happen to get fired. See when a normal Joe gets fired he’s trying to make sure that he has enough bread saved. He quickly runs down to the unemployment office to file for benefits and starts hustling to find a new gig ASAP.

Even with some major hustling it still may take a year or two in this economy to find something comparable to what he or she had because of all of the qualified people that are out of work as well.

So let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1st! There are only 32 to 36 people in the WORLD that can do what these cats can do, in terms of head coaches and less than 64 in terms of coordinators. So the fraternity is so tight that boys will be working by this time next week.

All they’ll do is change shirts and keep driving. Both Andy Reid and Lovie Smith will be head coaches somewhere next season and on some real talk, they’ll have a new gig by Sunday! The rest of those duns will be coordinators next year. Whizenhunt is an offensive genius so he’ll be an O.C. very quickly. People love Romeo Crennel around the league. How can you not like a stud named Romeo? Now he won’t get another head job but he’ll be a defensive coordinator fa sho. The same goes for Shurmur, Gailey and Turner.

Like I said, these boyz ain’t shooting real bullets out here. They’ve got the cold water running and filling up water guns on a 92 degree day. They’ll be dry by the time they come in for dinner and Big Momma won’t know the difference.

Holla At Ya Boy!
Jay Graves
Get @ me on Twitter: @jaygravesreport
This joint was inspired by my brother Jimmy!

Parable of the Hot Seat

"You think these boyz really gone fire me? Yep!"

A parable is succinct story in prose or verse that illustrates one or more instructive principles. It’s a type of analogy, if you will. Jesus used them all the time when trying to teach valuable lessons. He would use them to break down everyday events like the aftermath of an old school roadside carjacking in the parable of the Good Samaritan. He explained how a traveler got the breaks brakes beat off of him, was left for dead and no one helped him until the Samaritan came by and looked out.

Down at Auburn I bet there are few parables being spoken this morning on why ole Gene Chizik should be run out of town after having to go to overtime with dull Louisiana Monroe. Auburn finally put them away in overtime 31-28. It was like the old parable of the fox and hens in Jordan-Hare stadium on Saturday. The Warhawks chased them boyz around the chicken coop eating their baby chicks and eggs all day. They nearly beat Auburn is every phase of the game and by the looks of the box score Auburn actually lost that ball game.

 ULM was better at 4^th down efficiency, passing yards, less penalties,  no turnovers to Auburn's 4 and they had better time of possession doing all of  that with a hang over bruh! Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1^st! Louisiana Monroe showed up in Auburn still drunk from last week’s partying after beating then #8 Arkansas. Those boyz hadn’t even taken a shower because of all of the excitement.

Then they nearly pulled off the upset of another SEC team? It only would have been an upset because Auburn is a so-called big time school. However, in reality they’re horrible this year and were coming in 0-2. Man it would have been pandemonium if they could have finished them off. It also would have been like a boy giving his two week notice in Corporate America. You know as soon as you say you’re leaving they call security to walk you out of the joint right then and there. They would have walked ole Gene right to his car from the sideline after the game.

They would have said, “Don’t even worry about it playa! We’ll address the team for you and we’ll send you all of your belongings. As a matter of fact, where do you want us to fly you to right now because going home may not be a good idea?” If he decides to go home in that situation his wife and neighbors will be out there loading up the U-Haul like Umpa Lumpa’s. The realtor will be putting the “For Sale” sign out front all while the neighborhood kids are throwing eggs at the joint. Pandemonium for real bruh!

"Uh huh coach this way!"

This is the same dun that got booed a few years ago when they hired him after going 5-7 at Iowa State. Then he got “lucky” and signed Halle Berry and won a national title. I call Cam Newton Halle because everybody was trying to get with him at the time. He could have dated anybody but he chose Gene Chizik and Auburn. That saved his job for the time being but now he’s back to being ole dull Gene and losing.

Yeah, I can hear the old timers sitting on Toomer’s corner this morning kicking cans up and down the street looking at those dead trees cursing like sailors about getting rid of him. They’re screamin’ about how they never should have hired him in the first place. The old lady’s in the coffee shop are cursing just as bad smoking the old school Benson and Hedges Light cigarettes because folks down in those parts take college football very seriously. Domestic violence went up 300% overnight with fiesty ole lady's beating up their husbands and the jail was full of Otis' from the Andy Griffin show. Yep you can pretty much stick a fork in ole Gene right now homeboy. He’ll be standing up for the rest of the season because that seat is on fire and like I always say, "Stop me when I start lyin’!"

Holla At Ya Boy!

Jay Graves

Get @ me on Twitter: @jaygravesreport